


back to december

by beepbeepwheeler



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sirius Black, I cried at the end of writing this but it felt kinda good, I was upset so I wrote this, M/M, Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Sirius is really fucked up emotionally, Song: Back to December (Taylor Swift), i didn't even proofread this, i dont really know how to tag this, the ending isnt super happy I apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27680219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbeepwheeler/pseuds/beepbeepwheeler
Summary: This is my take on how the aftermath of "The Incident" with Sirius and Snape went. I was also just really upset so I wanted to write something kinda sad and I was listening to Back to December earlier and this idea just popped into my head.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	back to december

_But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right  
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't_

_Back to December – Taylor Swift_

Six months had passed since the last time Sirius Black had properly spoken to Remus Lupin. The only exchange between the two of them had been in potions class when Professor Slughorn had partnered them together, but even then they hadn’t talked much.

Sirius knew he fucked up. He knew that what he had done was awful and he didn’t deserve the forgiveness that he so desperately wanted. Betraying Remus’s trust wasn’t something he had set out that fateful day to do. He was just overwhelmed with feelings and had been pushed over the edge.

But that was no excuse, and he knew that damn well. He knew he deserved the punch to the jaw that Remus had given him the next morning. Remus, who never got violent because he was so scared of harming someone and letting the wolf win, had taken a hand to Sirius’s face. And he had deserved it.

Sirius cried for the first time in a while that night, curled up on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room. James wouldn’t even make eye contact with him. His best friend, his _brother,_ didn’t want anything to do with him.

And he didn’t blame him.

**September 1975 – _Before_**

Remus had been different since they returned to Hogwarts. He wouldn’t meet Sirius’s eye at all, always glancing just over his shoulder or above his eye level. Every time Sirius even brushed by him, Remus would jump back as if he had been shocked. Sirius’s heart ached with every flinch or avoided gaze. What had he done wrong?

Sirius was never a patient person. He hated waiting for things to happen and liked to meet them headfirst. So he nicked the map from James and cornered Remus in the dormitory one afternoon after Potions class.

“Moony?” Sirius walked into the dorms and felt his heart break when Remus’s green eyes flitted around the room, trying to look for an escape. “Can we talk please?” His voice was barely a whisper now, but he knew Remus had heard him. All he received was a stiff nod, so Sirius sat at the edge of his bed, facing his best friend who still wouldn’t look at him.

Anger swelled up inside Sirius, his fists clenching at his sides. He flexed his fingers to relieve the pressure on them and gather his words.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Sirius felt tears forming in his eyes and he swore quietly, swiping fiercely at his face with his shirt sleeve. Crying wasn’t allowed in the Black household. The last time Sirius had cried, he had been ten and had just fallen off his broom in the backyard. His mother hadn’t cared that he had broken an arm. Instead she chastised him for the tears running down his cheeks and told him that his punishment was to let his arm heal the Muggle way.

“What did I do wrong?” He whispered, feeling the tears drip onto his pants. Shit. He rubbed a finger over the small wet spot on his pants, not wanting to see the disgusted look on Remus’s face.

“I’m not avoiding you.” Remus muttered and Sirius’s head whipped up, the anger bubbling in his body again.

“You haven’t looked me in the eye since term started!” He yelled, standing now. Remus shrunk back, looking small even though he was nearing six feet tall. “Every time I even come close to you, you flinch away.” Sirius trailed off, looking desperately into Remus’s face. For the first time since leaving Hogwarts last year, Remus looked Sirius in the face. He looked devastated, lips pulled down into the frown that Sirius never wanted to put on his friend’s face.

Remus shook his head and then pulled his knees up to his chest. Silence spread over the room and Sirius quickly felt the little patience he had wearing away. Just as he thought he was about to explode, Remus spoke again.

“I fancy you, okay? Quite a lot. And… I know you probably think that’s creepy and gross. But it just happened. And I was trying to distance myself so that I could forget about the feelings. But I can’t. You’re part of me, and…” Remus sniffed, wiping his sweater sleeve over his face. “I can’t live without you, so I’d rather be friends than lose you.”

Sirius felt like he had been punched in the gut. All this time, Remus had been ignoring him because he fancied him? A giggle escaped his mouth before he could even process it, and soon he was laughing loudly. He stopped himself when he saw the panicked look on Remus’s face, clapping a hand over his mouth.

“Remus, you idiot.” He stammered out, small giggles still falling from his lips. “Oh, James is going to be so excited.” Sirius couldn’t help it, he started laughing again.

For months, Sirius had been agonizing over the butterflies he felt in his stomach whenever he saw Remus. It had really solidified when James had asked him in hushed tones over the summer which girl he fancied. Instead of saying his practiced answer (Marlene McKinnon), Sirius had blurted out Remus’s name, feeling his eyes widen even after he slammed his lips shut. He had never really said out loud that he fancied Remus, but he had known when hearing James talk about Lily that what he felt for his friend was way past platonic. Hearing that he had tortured himself over feeling like a creep for being attracted to a bloke, not to mention one that was his best friend, just to have the feelings returned was oddly funny.

Remus looked like he was going to get off the bed and run for it, his eyes darting back and forth from the door to where Sirius was still trying to control himself. Sirius held out a hand though, silently asking Remus to wait a second. He complied, sitting back slowly.

“It’s just funny to me that I happen to fancy you a lot too.”

**December 1975 – _The Incident_**

“Maybe if you washed your hair once in a while, Evans would like you a bit more!” Snape wheeled around at Sirius’s comment, anger flaring in his dark eyes. The Slytherin pulled his wand from his pocket and stalked towards Sirius, face already pulled down into a sneer.

“I know what your half-breed mutt of a boyfriend is.” Snape hissed, wand jabbing sharply into Sirius’s neck. He froze at the words, seeing red as he reached his hands out and shoved them sharply into Snape’s chest. He flew backwards, landing on his back on the corridor floor.

“Seems you’re not the only one angry at the full moo-” Sirius delivered a sharp punch to Snape’s nose before he could even finish his next sentence. He shook his hand out, not expecting the hit to have hurt him as much as it did.

“If you know so much, then why don’t you go take a look at the Whomping Willow tonight you greasy git.” Sirius sent a kick at Snape’s ribs and then walked away, trying to control his breathing.

Sirius didn’t realize what he said to Snape until after dinner. Remus had left for the Hospital Wing with a tired smile and a squeeze to Sirius’s hand a half hour into dinner while the other Marauders finished their meals. Once they got up into their dorm room, Sirius froze and his last words to Snape hit him as he caught sight of the moon glowing outside the window.

“James,” He started, spinning around to look at his friend. “I did something bad.”

“Mr. Black, you do realize that the events of last night could have taken a very different turn if Mr. Potter was even a moment later than he was?”

Sirius had never been more disappointed in himself than sitting before Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Slughorn. Even the piercing gazes his parents gave him at family dinners to keep him quiet had never hurt as bad as the furious looks from the teachers. James fidgeted in the seat beside him, robes still torn from where Snape had pulled at him in the tunnel just hours before. Snape was on his other side, glaring at the side of Sirius’s head. If looks could kill, Sirius was pretty sure he’d have been dead at least five times over.

“Yes sir,” He whispered, trying to fight off the tears that were threatening his eyes. It wouldn’t do him any good to cry right now. Not when he had just ruined Remus’s life.

“I’m taking 300 points from Gryffindor, 100 each for the three lives you endangered tonight. You will also have detention every night for the rest of this academic year. We will be writing home to your family as well, informing them of what occurred tonight. Any other punishments will be given as Professor McGonagall sees fit.”

The rest of the conversation was a blur, and Sirius didn’t rise from the chair before Dumbledore’s desk until McGonagall put a hand on his shoulder and silently lead him to her office. He sat down, folding his hands in his lap and trying to channel the numb feeling he usually got whenever his mother would yell at him.

Sirius was surprised when McGonagall sat down behind her desk and summoned a plate of biscuits and tea. After a moment of waiting, just to make sure she wasn’t kidding with him, Sirius reached for one of the biscuits and nibbled on the end of it.

“I know how… close you and Mr. Lupin are,” McGonagall broke the silence surrounding them after Sirius had finished the first biscuit and went to reach for another one. “I also know that you are extremely loyal to the ones you love and didn’t do this out of pure stupidity. However, you must understand the danger you brought upon not only Mr. Snape, but Mr. Lupin as well tonight.”

Sirius felt those traitorous tears forming again and before he could push them back down, they flowed down his face. He hated himself for what he had said. He wished he could have been a better friend. He wished he had control over himself for once in his miserable life.

Sirius sobbed, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them. He couldn’t imagine the way that Remus was going to feel in the morning. And he didn’t want to. Sirius had never wanted to change anything in his life, not even which House he had been sorted into. But right now, Sirius wanted so badly to go back and redo the past day just one more time and not say the things he did.

The surprise Sirius had felt when McGonagall summoned the biscuits and tea was nothing compared to the shock of when his professor wrapped her arms around him and held him. She let him cry until his head hurt and his face was red.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered to the crackling fire, eyes burning with shame and regret.

**June 1976 – _After_**

The last day of term was worse than the past six months had been. Sirius rarely slept in the dormitory, and when he did the room was awkwardly silent. He would sleep on the Common Room couches and wait until the other boys left for breakfast to go upstairs and get dressed. His neck and back were in constant pain but he felt like he deserved it for what he had done. The bruise from the punch Remus had dealt him was long gone, but sometimes when Sirius looked in the mirror he could still see the purple mark on his jaw.

After the boys finished packing their trunks, Sirius watched in horror as James dragged Peter out of the room while Remus was in the bathroom. James had been trying to be on both sides, not wanting to leave Sirius to fend for himself but also being pissed as hell at him for what he had done to Remus. It appeared that with his idiotic brain, James had decided to let them talk it out on the last day of term. Well, either that or Sirius would be leaving with another punch to the face.

Sirius felt a weird sense of déjà vu as Remus walked back into the room and immediately noted the absence of their two friends. He muttered something under his breath and went back to double checking the drawers beside his bed.

“Remus,” Sirius stood, walking forwards but stopping in his tracks at the flinch that he received. The one that was so similar to how Remus had been acting back in September. The one that had gone away when they started holding hands beneath the table in the Great Hall and wrapping slightly more than casual friendly arms around each other when in their group of friends. The sight stung, and Sirius took a step backwards as Remus moved back towards his trunk.

“You have five minutes. I will give you five minutes to say whatever you want to say to me. And then one of us is going to walk out of this room and we will see each other in September.” Remus was still facing his bed and his voice was strained, almost as if the words were being slowly pulled from his body. Sirius nodded despite the boy across from him not being able to see him.

“I’m not going to make excuses for what I did. I fucked up royally. Like bigger than big. And I’m an idiot for that. We were… we were just getting to be us. More than just Remus and Sirius. We were RemusandSirius. One unit. And for some reason I opened my big mouth,” Sirius broke off, feeling the lump in his throat rising and the sting behind his eyes. He hated crying, especially how much of it he had done in the past six months. Remus turned around at the noise, jaw set but his eyes were almost as soft as they had been back in September.

“There isn’t anything I can say or do to undo what I did. But I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I never apologize because you know our stupid pureblood values and all that shit that poisons my stupid brain. But I am so so sorry. And if I have to spend the rest of my life apologizing to you, then I will. Because you’re worth it Remus Lupin and if I ever had the chance to turn around make a different choice that day, I would take it in a heartbeat. No matter what it cost me.” Sirius felt the tears slide down his cheeks, his eyes caught on the ones that were sliding down Remus’s face. He felt a piece of his heart breaking off as he turned away and strode towards the dormitory door, away from Remus and towards 12 Grimmauld Place.


End file.
